How I feel right now

I was a fool to say "may I sit back and enjoy the show." What a fool I am ... and what a foolish thing to say.

Things are not going as I planned. Things are more hairy than I anticipated.

I am happy though to be experimenting with my emotions and with issues, rather than going through a mental spiritual checklist, checking off items where I have offended or have not offended.

Although it is difficult, and in some sick way--even as drained as it makes me, I am some what okay with going through what I am going through with my friend.

Please pray for him, me, my dad and my mom. We have lots of things to hash out.

What a fool I am!

On with the show....

Life and Death

I hate cancer.

Joe and Debbie...I'm sorry. I love you guys and am praying for you and your family.

Love,

Ramon

Work

I'm at work--working late again.

We have a new product coming out and I have to work late. Part of me doesn't mind, part of me does. Going through HTML files and flagging them for translation requires a Communications degree. :-)

Should only be here for another hour; it might be two if I keep goofing off!

Unexpected Visitor, Unexpected Circumstances

A childhood friend recently came back into my life in a full way. My friend is now living with me and parents. I don't know how that happened.

Please pray for him and his circumstances. God knows what's in store...may I sit back and enjoy the show.

Doug...thanks :-) And I'll tell my friend that you like his bas--ass tattoos :-)

To My Friend

I want to reach out and touch you; I want to say hello again.

I don't fully understand you, nor do you fully understand me.

It seems so much better to have open dialogue than to have closed lips.

I see you from a distance, I wonder about many things.

The look on you face is both revealing and deceiving.

Revealing the joy I see in you--deceiving me 'cause I am unable to share in that joy with you.

Some may say, "bury the hatchet." But I ask, "what hatchet is there to bury?". For we are not in arms against each other; that barrier does not exist.

For us, another barrier exists.

Our barrier is invisible. Its manifestations are unknown to others, but very real to us.

I pray that barrier would desist. I pray that we both work on the areas we have acknowledged.

May our relationship move away from mere psuedo glances.

May we not run from each other--looking for a place to hide.

Sense of Loss

This morning I awoke with a sense of loss in my heart, mind and soul.

I am sadden by the Palmer's whole ordeal. I was unaware of Jennifer's passing until last night.

Mark, I am so sorry. I feel my words have no true comfort for you--because quite frankly, they probably don't. If I could do or say something to fix or help out, I would. But I can't. So I pray and will continue to pray.

Thank you for being honest and real. Rather, you are honest and real...so, in actuality, thank you for sharing and allowing us to share in your lives.

Ramon

I am off to another wedding in California

Two California trips in one month is very tiring. Although, I thank God this trip is closer in distance than the last.

Me and three off my college friends (I hate that term)...let use, instead, ... (InterVarsity rejects)...are off to an InterVarsity Wedding.

An InterVarsity wedding is not some "single A" college basketball team ceremony. "InterVarsity", short for "InterVarsity Christian Fellowship," is a group that found me while I was a student at the fabulous University of Nevada Las Vegas. Okay, Okay, maybe its not fabulous, but there were days that I pretended it was. And now, having gotten me an edumacation, I now know the truth about my alma mater...it sucks as much as I do. My educational experience was a difficult one. There are days that I believe that my education has only served me in one way: meeting my future boss, Danny Greenspun.

Nonetheless, that is neither here or there. Back to the wedding.

My friend Jeff Hamilton is getting married tomorrow. He is a former staff worker for Intervarsity and is marrying Rachel, who happens to also be a former InterVarsity staff worker. Funny how those things work out. But come to think of it, how come I never hooked up? Well, in all seriousness, I think I know why. And God knows too. And so do some of you.

I am happy for Jeff and Rachel.

Jeff if fortunate to be marrying a "real" girl. A real girl who knows knows about the joys and pains of life. I happy that he did not succmb to the temptation to marry just anyone, or worse, to marry a girl 'cause she is "hot", "fine", "phat", "gorgeous", etc... Jeff could have fallen into the trap of "me man--you woman" let's get married syndrome; but he did not.

Instead, he involved his community on his decision of marriage. To the extent that he involved them, I am unaware of. But, knowing the type of community he comes from, I know he involved them quite a bit. And furthermore, I know that he was open to much counsel from those who have gone before him.

I anticipate our trip to be fun. With that said, Father God, may we have fun and may we not do stupid things to hurt ourselves nor may stupid or careless things be done to us. Me, superstitous? Nah...Okay, maybe a little...

My three companions for tomorrow are Paul Weiland (former roomate of two years and interVarsity reject), Josh Krage (friend and InterVarsity reject), and Erick Hutchinson, whom we call "Hutch" (friend, former accountability partner and InterVarsity reject).

We are scheduled to leave at 7 a.m. That's kinda early, but not really. I hoping this will be a fun and relaxing trip to hang out and truly be ourselves and laugh all the way there and all the way back.

I just got a call Josh...last minute planning details to hash out. I am now really excited 'cause he's bringing some ambience elecronica music. Think of slow techno accompanied with visual stimulants, and that is kinda what ambience electronica music is. He is bringing one of my favorite cd's of all time: Little Buddha Cafe.

Well, I'm out for now. Must clean room, pack and chill before the trip.

Peace!

Our Trip has come to an end

Here is a synoptical itemize list of what we have done in the last four days:

- Drove to los banos and crashed for a few hours at my sister's.

- Drove to San Francisco and walked Pier 39. Has a clam chowder bread bowl. Alan had my crackers, nothing more. He doesn't like seafood.

- Drove to Newark, CA and crashed for a few hours at our hotel.

- Drove to the wedding and interacted with many different people. Ate some very, very, very, very good Pak-Indian food.

- Drove to hotel and went to bed.

- Drove to San Jose and visited an art museum, kinkos for internet access, an independent movie house and had drinks at their coffee bar, walked downtown San Jose.

- Drove to my sister's house. On the way we stopped at Casa De Fruta (House of Fruit), it's a former hacienda that has been converted into a tourist trap that sell every type of fruit product imaginable.

- Drove to my sister's house and cooked dinner and ate it.

- Visited my sister's neighbor's. An elderly couple. The husband is a retired pastor who is suffering from cancer. Meet all the other neighbor's.

- Slept.

- Woke up early and drove home.

- Talked with mom, alan, dad and then went and hung with community.

That's the synopsis.

My sister's house

Alan...I mean, Allan and I made it to her house (Los Banos, CA). We listened to two John Piper sermons on the way down to my sister's house.

We had a good time in San Jose. Alan's desire to visit an art museum showed me a new aspect about my Barrio. After leaving the art museum, I spent a half hour looking for internet acces. All the while, Allan soaked his feet in the fountains in the heart of Downtonw San Jose.

Upon finding my cherished internet access, I went to look for Allan. Allan was to be found soaking his feet, taking in the scenery (kids and others jumping, weaving in-n-out of the water pillars), and thinking comlentative thoughts.

Kinkos was our internet "dealer" for the afternoon. Fininshing our fix, we headed over to an independent movie house where they served up nicely brewed coffee. I ordered a Chai tea Latte and Allan had steamed milked with a shot of Irish cream. Allan, the inquisitive man he is, asked me if I liked my drink. "Well, Alan, its like drinking an expected coca-cola when in reality you're drinking a diet coke....it leaves a bad taste in your mouth." Apparently, the counter-cultered chick behind the counter mistook my longing for an all natural starbuck's chai tea latte, and served me up a discounted cup of soy milk chai latte tea. I must admit, it was a decent drink--but, even more decent was the price. A $1.75 is what I paid. Starbucks would have charge me double!

Here's Allan:

hey allan, it your turn to write. In a whiny, alan voice, he laments "I don't want to write anything." Pha! What a putz! My niece Melissa chimes in, "Uncle Ramon, your like a big 12 year old." Whatever, Melissa. But I still love ya Mija.

Saturday of our trip

We are sitiing at Kinko's in downtown San Jose (my home town).

We're approachning three o'clock and have been laid back today with out time and our destination. We're having dinner with my sister, her family and my dad. Should be fun.

I am being charged 20 cents a minute. Me being the simpled minded math guys asks the counter-boy/man, "how much is that for an hour"? His response, "12 dollars an hour." I guess I could have taken the time to figured it out but I didn't. Let's see...there's 60 minutes in one hour, 12 incriments on a clock, one dollar for each incriment, 12 incriments multipled by one dollar; that inded does make 12 dollars for an hour.

It's kinda nice chillin' in my home town with Alan. But, it would be a whole different scenario if he were my wife...you know what I mean. If instead of him being here, I could have my wife here. Alan just finish reading the newspaper and now is reading what I am typing. I should hurry up and clarify the wife thing before either a) he gets insulted b) you (the reader) misunderstand or c) Alan helped me with the "b" portion--he suggested it and d) there is no "d".

Alan versus my imaginative wife:

"Alan is a man--that's it" Alan chimes in. We both laugh :-)

Alan is my friend and my brother. He has accompanied me on this trip which has been a good one. He cares for me and I care for him. Alan, do you love me? "Yes he does, even though I spell his name wrong all the time" Allan spouts off.

If Allan were my wife, i could intimately share with him my home town. That doesn't mean that I can't intimately share with him my home town and that he would appreciate it or like it.

If Allan were my wife I could show him my home town and that would be another link in our bond as husband/wife. But Allan is not my wife, neither is Alan.

So, what's point? Stop day-dreaming about my imiginative wife, and continue enjoying Allan's company and enjoying Alan's company as well. Allan chimes in, "even though Allan is tired and cranky."

I will now turn it over to Allan or is it Alan?

Ramon didn't mention that last night we spent from 8pm - 1am at a Pakistani wedding. It was fun, even though there wasn't any dancing. The main thought that was going through my head was: Wow, Pakstani women are beautiful! And I mean it, they really are. Their clothes were really beautiful too and that is something you would never hear me say about clothes. It was also a Muslim wedding, that was very interesting too. It seems as though almost everyone there was affluent and I wondered about the Islamic teaching regarding the rich and wealth. At the wedding, I didn't actually meet any Pakstani people, but we sat at the White person table and I didn't feel outgoing, although I felt totally comfortable, being not outgoing. All and all, the experience was a worthwhile one and I learned a lot about myself and a different culture.

I'm tired and that is all I have to say.

I just finish writing my thoughts our day at frisco and stupid Mac crappy system doesn't work -- maybe it is user error.

Here is Allan:

Allan is pretty sure it was user ignorance. "Use the Apple key, Ramon." Jim, what are we gonna do with these Ibm junkies. so yea, we are in frisco at this internet cafe and I have 5 minutes to write, because it costs 4 freakin dollars per 15 minutes. In Ramon's thoughts he proposed that I am cheap and I would have to agree with that proposition. We thought about going to China town, but I dont wanna pay for the trolley... and we don't have time to walk there... so we didn't go. But that is ok with me, because... I value my money more than I should.

In Other news, I started playing Star Wars and I actually considered buying a freakin new computer just to play this game... I mean that I actually started to price stuff out at Jim's, but my cheapness has won and also, I feel like the game is somewhat vampiric. I am sure it could be a joy to some people, but it just sucks me dry, even though I enjoy (in a wierd way) the self-destruction.

Ramon is telling me to hurry up when we have about 1.5 minutes left... How freakin long does it take to click twice... i do have to ask you that Ramon... and I tell you to Stop and DESIST you anxious crazy person.

Ok, now I really should get off... Peace out my brothers... 30 secs to go
!!!!!!!!