Exhaustion

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How does one resolve the emotional entanglement of the death of a loved one?

Today at the cemetery I mumbled the following prayer: "My pobre mensa".

The hurt and the pain you caused, so unfair. But, how can I hold that against you when you yourself were in such turmoil. Your hurt, your pain, your anger, your selfishness, blinded you.

What you worked so hard for brought you your demise. But you had no other choice. You were wrongly accused, wrongly ridiculed, wrongly pursued. All works of the devil.

Those who called themselves Christians were the first to pick up the stones. They were the first to pass over their sins and judge you with such intense disgust; they hailed those rocks at your head. They killed your heart.

I can't blame you entirely, sis. How I miss you. This should not have happened. It is not fair--all I get are memories.

Your memories are not enough. How can one stand on a righteous soapbox and proclaim: you have memories to hold onto. I rather not waste my time in cursing such maladies.

I hate the 80's. Especially those evangelical 80's Christians. You know the ones...

But what good does my hate do? None. No good at all. My hate is really not hate. What I have is hurt, hurt, hurt.

If I weren’t a little kid at the time I would have protected you. I would have stuck up for you. I would have shielded you. What they did was wrong. Yes, you made mistakes, but where was the grace?

They used you. They made you their escape goat. Their pretty boy got away. I don't blame him, but I blame the leadership. I blame those who pranced around on the stage with their bibles proclaiming God's goodness and love. But in the meanwhile they slaughter you for divorce. They slandered you. They ridiculed you. He got away.

What of their sins? Yes, their sins. Their sins eventually caused division in the church. Their sins split the church. But they were forgiven. And they too got away.

They are still alive. You, My sister, are dead.

Am I anger for what they did? Yes. Do I want retribution? No.

What I do want is for them to acknowledge their wrongs.

Some are still preachers. Some are still worship leaders. Do what's right.

Maybe what I ask them to do is retribution. If that is the case, then I do want retribution!

This is not an open letter. These are my emotions.