That day

The day my father died I took my car for its smog test.

Not a usual thing to do, eh? I mean, doesn't it seem odd that the day my father dies, I go out and get my car smogged?

That day has been seared into my brain. My father's death was burdening and liberating, but no less painful.

I'm thankful I smogged my car that day, it spoke of my freedom.

I'm sorrowful that I smogged my car that day, it cost my father his life.

My friend, Greg went with me to smog my car that day.

I don't remember all of our concersation, but I remember being with him.
I remember feeling both of our awkwardness.
I remember feeling his love.
I remember feeling his compassion.
I remember feeling his pain for me.
I remember feeling his friendship.

I speak to all of you who read this. Please, identify those people in your life who are in need. Those people who are in greater need than you are today. Give those people the freedom to do what they are called to do.

Liberate those people who need to get their cars smogged.
Liberate those people who need to walk their dogs.
Liberate those people who need to make a meal.
Liberate those people who need to do what it is they need to do.

Greg, thank you.

Love, Ramon

Its been a while

I have so much to say.

Right now I am listening to Boston (More than a feeling) on luanch cast.

I need to Apologize to my freind Debbie. She emailed me last week and I haven't emailed her back. Debbie, I'm sorry.

It has not been my intention to igonore my friends or my blog, but work has been bruttal. There was a two week period where my boss was out (his wife has his baby). While he was at home acclamating to Daddy life, we (kelly 'my co-worker and friend' and me) were holding down the fort. We worked 10, 11, 12, 13 hour days. Lots of fun, lots of headaches. Overall, it was good and very hard.

Tonight, we are still at work. Its another late night. That sucks.

* Went to the doctors two weeks ago. I had been having these weird pains in my chest, stomach, side and my back (on the left side). I thought of all the possibilities of what it could have been: heart attack, cancer, fungus, whatever else came to mind.

The doc believes it is my gall bladder. I'm still waiting to have my ultra sound. Doc's office and insurance suck.

* This past weekend was hard...it was my 10 year high school reunion. Maryann and I enjoyed oursleves. I'm very sad that I won't see these people for a long time. Believe it or not, I really miss these people and quazi community I had with them. I pray for them. I miss them. I am sad.

* in 4 days it will be my father's 4 month anniversary of being dead/alive. On his 3 month anniversary, I bought 2 cigars, and two bottles of water. I sat with my dad at his gravesite and smoked the cigars and shared my bottles of water with him. I smoked both cigars and talked with my dad. I miss him. I feel all the more sad when I remember him in his illness. Thinking of him in his illness leaves me feeling empty. The emptiness hurts. When I think of my father being in heaven, I don't feel as sad.

When my father was sick, he used to lay on the couch. He couldn't do anything else. Would it have killed me to not have gone to work any one of those days? I miss him. I cry.

It is true that I did alot for him and for my mother and for myself. But in all that, it wasn't enough. Gosh, I wan't to spend more time with him. It's so not fair.

I need to go sit with him again and talk and smoke. Maybe we both need a drink. Well, at least I know I do for sure. I really doubt he does.