A Weighty Truth

In my pursuit to lose weight, I'm sad to report that I actually gained 4 pounds.

My co-workers subtly shunned me. I could see it in their faces.

I am sadden.

The truth is I have not been diligent with my plan. In regards to food, its been a 90% effort. The occasional late night snacking mixed with eatting massive amounts of carbs this weekend did not help cause at today's weigh-in.

On the exercise front, I'm wracked with disappoint--I am not doing what I said I was going to do. The idea of working out each night has transpired to only three times over the last two weeks.

There's my confession. Now the changing of the mind must succeed.

Meal schedule

I figure it would be a good idea to write down or at least try to keep track of what I eat each day.

so, here it goes ...

Thursday -- 01/13/05
* breakfast - 2 quesidillas on low carb tortilla (8 g / carbs)
* snack - diet coke and powerbar, carb select(2 g / carbs)
* lunch - 1/2 and order of fingers with ranch (2 g / carbs)
* snack - 1/2 and order of fingers with ranch(2 g / carbs)
* dinner - 1.5 servings of low carb spaghetti, salad (10 g / carbs)
* snack - powerbar, carb select (2 g / carbs)

total carbs: 26 g / carbs

Note: I forgot what I ate on wednesday, so I can't post it.

Tuesday -- 01/11/05
* breakfast - 1 ham and egg burrito on low carb tortilla (5 g / carbs)
* snack - Chicharrones [prok rins] (1 g / carbs)
* lunch - 1 ham and egg burrito on low carb tortilla & low-card yogurt (8 g / carbs)
* snack - powerbar, carb select (2 g / carbs)
* dinner -5 chicken thighs, one low carb tortilla and cheese( 5g / carbs)
* snack - 2 cups of half/half with splashes of corn flakes(25 g/ carbs)

total carbs: 46 g / carbs

Note: Too many carbs this day. I had been miscalculated the half/half with splashes of corn flashes -- I'm giving them up.

Monday -- 01/10/05
* breakfast - powerbar, carb select (2 g / carbs)
* snack - half of a low carb chocholate bar (1.5 g / carbs)
* lunch - (3) .99 cent caesar salads frim wendy's (6 g / carbs)
* snack - other half of low carb choch. bar and a powerbar, cab select (3.5 g / carbs)
* dinner - 2 steak, cheese burritos on low carb tortillas (12 g / carbs)
* snack - cup of half/half with some reg. milj with a splash of corn flakes (14g / carbs)

total carbs: 39 g / carbs

Note: I've recalculated my first count of carbs...I was wrong about the half/half with flakes.

Weigh-in

Today 10 of us at VEGAS.com have weighed in, placed our money on the table and got up on the scale.

We have banded together to lose weight and hopefully for the biggest loser make a few bucks.

Yes, the idea partly comes from the TV show "The Biggest Loser", but our main inspiration is health...and the money ain't bad either. Ten people at $100 is 10 benjamins. And we know its all about the benjamins, right?

Yesterday while at Costco on some obscure isle, I weighed myself. Right before getting on the scale I instructed Maryann not to look. She didn't, which I am glad for. The scale broke my heart. But on the flip side, at least I didn't break the scale.

According to yesterday's weigh in I am pushing 242 pounds. But at today's weigh in, using two different scales, I registered at 233. I'm somewhat happy that both scales said 233 cause that means I don't weigh 242.

Nonetheless, I have 40 pounds to lose in 3 months. I know that sounds a little extreme, but in high school I did loose 50 pounds in three months. And over 11 years gained it all back plus some.

I want to loose 40 pounds not so much for the money, rather for the health aspect. If I loose 40 pounds and don't win the money that is okay because that means one of my other co-workers lost more than I did.

The way the contest works is based off the percentage of weight you loose. For example, If I weigh 233 and loose 40 pounds, that's 17 percent of my body weight. Not bad.

Now the wild card in this contest is if our largest co-worker looses 76.5 pounds. With that, he ties my percentage. All he needs to do then is loose 77.5 pounds and he beats me.

There are few others who are +/- 10 pounds of where I am at. They will be good competitors and may even surpass me which is cool.

Come Sunday, April 10, 2005, I hope to be 40 pounds lighter or near that.

My strategy

A realistic workout plan: situps and girlie pushups along with an evening brisk walk.

My eating workout: 5 or 6 meals a day, low carb.

Suggestions

If you have any suggestions or concerns, feel free to post 'em. If you want to invite me to go work out, please do. But one favor I do ask, please do not invite to a buffet.

Here's to weight loss and a healthy life.

Peace!

I need a haircut -- the big afro guys is me

Movements Part II

The paperwork has been sign, so it must be official.

Starting Jan 17, 2005, I begin working reduced hours in an effort to pursue a Master's Degree in Management Information Systems (MIS).

My first day of class is January 19. In order to apply for grad school I need to retake two courses that I got bad grades in. And in March, I will hopefully take my GMAT.

I am super excited about this move. Its a win-win situation for my employers and me.

Its a huge, bold move for me and has come via many awesome things coming together.

Father, brothers and sisters are the biggest influencers in making it happen.

I am happy.

Movements Part I ...

Dearest Kate,

It is true that your love is sweeter than ice cream

You make me feel wonderfully neat

Your love is completing...I need to understand that

I want you to know how much I love you

May my actions and deeds speak these words to you...I love you

It has really hit me: I need you, I love you and I want you

I would be be so sad if our journey were to cease

May our paths be together as we sojourn in this land

Then in a glimpse may we find ourselves together in our true completing land

Love,
Jack

To Cedar, Duck Creek and back

I am sure glad to be home.

I know two things for sure: I don't like snowed in cabins and I don't want to go back in the winter time.

The only slightly fun place I have ever been in Utah has been in Park City. Every other place has been very, very boring.

Making my way to Duck Creek I found out that the 14 (its and interstate/highway) was closed due to snow. So, I was stuck in St. George for a night. After securing a room at the Best Western I went to dinner and then went to see Ocean's 12.

The movie sucked, I feel a sleep. There weren't many people in the theater so I sat way in the back. I must have been snoring Real Hard cause the girls 6 rows in front of me moved even further away from me while I was catching some shut-eye.

These girls seemed to be a little perturbed at my snoring. I felt bad that I was snoring but I didn't think it was that bad. But it must have been, cause as I walked to my car one of the girls was giving me a George W scowl.

I am sure glad to be home.

Did I mention I hate the snow?

Michelle and Darren -

you both make me laugh.

:-)

In mormon country

In mormon country

Its funny how many eyes stare at me because of the color of my skin.
If I was white, I wouldn't have this issue.

And why do they stare at me? Don't they know that I am unredeemable-the curse of cain thing will do that to you.

Currently stuck in st. George ... I'll write more when the snow clears in cedar.

Peace!
--------------------------
Ramon Avendano
via BlueBerry

Since my last blog ...

1. courtesy VEGAS.com, I got three free nights at Golden Nugget in downtown

2. stayed one night at the GN with maryann and my mom (she was our chaperone)

3. flew to El Paso, TX and back in a 24-hour period for a Quinceniera.

4. while in El Paso, my mom, maryann and her sister (emily) enjoyed a girls night out at the GN [emily is now hooked on nickel slots courtesy of my mom].

5. came back from El Paso and went straight to the GN.

6. started my two week vacation (I am now on my 4th day).

7. my sister and 5 nieces and nephews came into town for a visit.

8. I have been to the mall only once, but stayed there for 5 hours ... blah!

9. went to Fantastic indoor flee market (my sister's idea).

10. went christmas shopping at Best Buy and frys (I should have bought Napoleon Dynomite at Frys when I had the chance).

11. saw a movie -- the incredibles -- much better than I expected. [side note: why do they make cartoon women look hot?].

12. rented the movie Collateral four days ago but just watched it last night.

13. I've had some necessary but good, healing time in prayer, reading, confession and learning to hold on to truth.

In honor of DR -- One of my favorites

There's somethin' happenin' here.
What it is ain't exactly clear.
There's a man with a gun over there
A-tellin' me I've got to beware.

I think it's time we stop.
Children, what's that sound?
Everybody look what's goin' down.

There's battle lines bein' drawn.
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong.
Young people speakin' their minds
A-gettin' so much resistance from behind.

I think it's time we stop.
Hey, what's that sound?
Everybody look what's goin' down.

What a field day for the heat.
A thousand people in the street
Singin' songs and a-carryin' signs
Mostly sayin' hooray for our side.

It's time we stop.
Hey, what's that sound?
Everybody look what's goin' down.

Paranoia strikes deep.
Into your life it will creep.
It starts when you're always afraid.
Step out of line, the men come and take you away.

You better stop.
Hey, what's that sound?
Everybody look what's goin'..
You better stop.
Hey, what's that sound?
Everybody look what's goin'..
You better stop.
Now, what's that sound?
Everybody look what's goin'..
You better stop.
Children, what's that sound?
Everybody look what's goin

Upon further review

An ode to the Relyea's family member

You are round
You are brown

You snort
You fart
You smell

You breath heavy
You have bad breathe

You are a dominatrix
You are sensitive to the touch

You have no one to blame but yourself

You have comsumed too many nibbles and bits

You fat chihuhua ... it is all your fault

Lay off them damn treats!

"Tina, you fat lard... you haven't done anything all day."

Movements

I've been having movements lately. Pushing forward and doing my best to leave certain things behind.

I'm planing to keep pressing forward in faith that it is the right thing to do.

More is to come ...

That day

The day my father died I took my car for its smog test.

Not a usual thing to do, eh? I mean, doesn't it seem odd that the day my father dies, I go out and get my car smogged?

That day has been seared into my brain. My father's death was burdening and liberating, but no less painful.

I'm thankful I smogged my car that day, it spoke of my freedom.

I'm sorrowful that I smogged my car that day, it cost my father his life.

My friend, Greg went with me to smog my car that day.

I don't remember all of our concersation, but I remember being with him.
I remember feeling both of our awkwardness.
I remember feeling his love.
I remember feeling his compassion.
I remember feeling his pain for me.
I remember feeling his friendship.

I speak to all of you who read this. Please, identify those people in your life who are in need. Those people who are in greater need than you are today. Give those people the freedom to do what they are called to do.

Liberate those people who need to get their cars smogged.
Liberate those people who need to walk their dogs.
Liberate those people who need to make a meal.
Liberate those people who need to do what it is they need to do.

Greg, thank you.

Love, Ramon

Its been a while

I have so much to say.

Right now I am listening to Boston (More than a feeling) on luanch cast.

I need to Apologize to my freind Debbie. She emailed me last week and I haven't emailed her back. Debbie, I'm sorry.

It has not been my intention to igonore my friends or my blog, but work has been bruttal. There was a two week period where my boss was out (his wife has his baby). While he was at home acclamating to Daddy life, we (kelly 'my co-worker and friend' and me) were holding down the fort. We worked 10, 11, 12, 13 hour days. Lots of fun, lots of headaches. Overall, it was good and very hard.

Tonight, we are still at work. Its another late night. That sucks.

* Went to the doctors two weeks ago. I had been having these weird pains in my chest, stomach, side and my back (on the left side). I thought of all the possibilities of what it could have been: heart attack, cancer, fungus, whatever else came to mind.

The doc believes it is my gall bladder. I'm still waiting to have my ultra sound. Doc's office and insurance suck.

* This past weekend was hard...it was my 10 year high school reunion. Maryann and I enjoyed oursleves. I'm very sad that I won't see these people for a long time. Believe it or not, I really miss these people and quazi community I had with them. I pray for them. I miss them. I am sad.

* in 4 days it will be my father's 4 month anniversary of being dead/alive. On his 3 month anniversary, I bought 2 cigars, and two bottles of water. I sat with my dad at his gravesite and smoked the cigars and shared my bottles of water with him. I smoked both cigars and talked with my dad. I miss him. I feel all the more sad when I remember him in his illness. Thinking of him in his illness leaves me feeling empty. The emptiness hurts. When I think of my father being in heaven, I don't feel as sad.

When my father was sick, he used to lay on the couch. He couldn't do anything else. Would it have killed me to not have gone to work any one of those days? I miss him. I cry.

It is true that I did alot for him and for my mother and for myself. But in all that, it wasn't enough. Gosh, I wan't to spend more time with him. It's so not fair.

I need to go sit with him again and talk and smoke. Maybe we both need a drink. Well, at least I know I do for sure. I really doubt he does.

Darren

I went out of town this Labor Day weekend. And while I was gone, Darren visited with my mother.

He didn't ask me if it was okay, he didn't announce it to me, he just went and hung with her. He was her friend. And brining nibbles (his over-weight, extremely large Chihuahua) helped spark some conversation, I'm sure :-)

Thanks, Darren.

Love,

Ramon

The American Attitude Within Us

What I am going to say will piss some people off. Some people will be offended, others will be hurt. I am not writing to piss people off, nor am I wanting to offend -- but ultimately and unfortunately -- I will cause hurt.

My purpose is to express my anger and to let my community know how I feel. But foremost, to shed light on the last year of my life, and my school of thought(s).

Here we go:

My mother and I were talking this morning about my father. Its always an interesting subject when we talk about him. Conversation about him are usually filled with sighs of relief, laughter, acknowledgement of pain and a sense of honorable duty (aka love).

During the last 6 months of my father's earthly life, my mother and I were bombarded with people's opinions on what to do with him. A prevalent attitude went something like this: "you can't keep going like this...you need to consider hospice." Others would say "we're here for you", but then they would never show up. Some stood by our side and served us with sadness and joy in their hearts (just as we are all called to do).

The issue I most want to address today is the prevailing American Attitude Within Us on hospice. I've come to learn that most people see hospice as a first resort when dealing with a terminal condition. At the outset, I want people to know that I am not against hospice. I understand the wonderful acts of mercy that they show and for that I appreciate hospice.

However, I do have anger, but my anger is not toward hospice. Rather, it is toward the American Attitude Within Us about hospice. The attitude that sees hospice as the first and only option. The attitude that CHOOSES not consider other available options. Admittedly, these other options come at a great sacrifice to those who choose them.

When my mom and I speak of my father and people's attitudes toward him and his care takers --namely my mother and I -- all in the guise of "consider your own sanity", I become very angry. I come to the point of having no other words on my venomous tongue than "Fuck that....what a fucking selfish attitude....that's a bunch of shit!"

Those words are the expression of my anger. I apologize for them and at the same time, make no apologies for them.

I don't understand why the American attitude is so bent on only seeing the option of hospice as being the only option. I believe that American's DO realize that there are other options out there. Options such as taking on the burdening task of being the care taker; or pleading with their community for help in a variety of ways. But these "other" options are mere fleeting thoughts, disipitating into the recesses of their minds. So, the only option available to them is hospice.

For those who see hospice as the first and only available option, my soul hurts for you. It hurts because those typically are the people who CHOOSE to not leave their well padded, well cushioned lives.

Those not wanting to leave their well padded, well cushioned life are the ones I primarily address these words to. These people share a similar ideology as those who on numerous occasions challenged us to consider hospice.

The challenge set before us always came packaged so nice and neat. The package had a pretty ribbon bow on top, and glittery wrapping paper hiding the ugliness of the package that lay inside. The package always centered around the idea of "considering Felix's condition and considering our own sanity."

Many of you wonder why that was such a bad thing to advise or why do you (Ramon) take such offense at that suggestion?

Very simply put, my father was not dead yet. There was fight in his eyes. His soul spoke to us through his eyes, through his grunts and through his complete being that he was still very much alive. He was not dead yet. He was still alive.

Had we wanted to abandoned my father, the quickest and surest thing that would have killed him, would have been to place him in hospice. And when people, who all had good intention, came around offering their pretty shiny present, they did nothing more than frustrate us and complicate the issue.

Offering us their pretty package of advice, unbeknownst to them, is similar to David offering Uriah a place to lay his head while his men fought on the battle field. Like Uriah, we too declined the offer of laying our head. Had we laid our head for one moment, we would have abandoned my father in spirit and ultimately would have killed him.

I implore you to not mistake my words as a straight and complete comparison between David's sinister act to those people who offered us their shiny, pretty package. On the contrary, these people were most likely good hearted in their attempts to "alleviate" our pain. But had we followed the terms to alleviate our own pain, we would have done nothing more than heap coals on my father's head. To alleviate our pain would have resulted in causing my father's death.

Yes, it its true that my father is dead momentarily, and his death was an inevitable end. Just like my father, we will all have our end and make the transition, finally seeing the full Kingdom that we only partially see now.

So, since my father is dead, some may wonder what the difference is...he is dead. What's the big deal on hospice. Whether he was in hospice or not, he was still going to die.

The deal on hospice for us is "abandonment". How selfish of us it would have been to have abandoned my father in the name of "our own sanity." My father was unable to abandon his call, so why should have we?

I am sure I have confused some of you readers; others I have offended. Many of you are friends, some are acquaintances and others are distant family. If I have confused you, I apologize for that. I have hurt you, I too apologize for that.

One thing I ask, please do not leave this reading without any recourse. Please feel free to post your thoughts and comments.

With full confidence and love,

Ramon

Etta James

"At last" I have found time to reinsert the blog links to my friend's blogs. I apologize for their temporary deletion. When I changed blog templates, all custom template changed were deleted.

I have been fortunate to hang out with many of these days. I eagerly await to hang out with many more of you. I think a lot about you guys and gals. I can say that emotions does run through me that cause joy and tears of joy to manifest themselves within me.

I really, really appreciate all of you. I wish I could see you all more often. I wish I could spend more intimate time with you all more often.

This weekend

This weekend was a good and hard weekend. I spent much of my time with people at Neil T. Anderson's conference: Freedom in Christ (Counseling Discipleship).

I had some great interaction with Chris, Debbie and Neil. What a blessing and an honor to be with all three.

I was so encourage by Debbie. It was so nice to have someone identify and join me in mutual emotions on various issues. She also served us well by leading us into singing to Father. I love you, Debbie.

I was so encourage by Chris. We listened intently on what Neil was saying. We laughed, but we didn't cry :-) Chris and I had lunch together, that was fun. I love you, Chris.

I was so encouraged by Neil as well. Father blessed me with a desire of my heart to meet Neil. The entire weekend, I believe, was totally a God thing. Everything happened that needed to happened or so at least it seemed. I love you too, Neil.

Long Days

Its 3:02 a.m. and I am still at work. I will be here till 4 a.m. and then back at 5:45 a.m.. Why go home? Exactly!

Tomorrow morning is going to suck even worse. Get up at 2 a.m. and test. Fun schedule. But its not that bad. I work with fun people.

The only unfortuante part is that my mom is at home all alone. Since my dad died, she doesn't like to be at home alone.

I have been sitting in this chair for 18 hours, periodically getting up mind you. My butt hurts. You think the extra cushion I have [that's a euphamism for I'm fat] would help out, but on the contrary, my butt almost feels rash. I think I may know how my father must have felt being confined in bed for many, many months. My poor dad used to get lots of rashes on his touche and his back. I love him, miss him and feel sorry for him. I have pitty for him

I miss you appa.

Love,

Ramon

Spiffers is gone

Sometime ago I imagined my father in heaven minding his own business when all of the sudden spiffers came along side my father. In my thoughts, I envisioned my father scooping up the doggy into his arms and holding him tight. I see the dog happy, with his mouth open and his tongue partially hanging out. The dog is happy. My father is happy.

In honor of spiffer ... an ode I give:

You came to us unwanted, you had no where to live
Your previous owners abandoned you, we took you in

From day one you took ownership of the house, peeing was your game
The corners of the carpet were no longer the same

You pranced and strutted around, strutting your youthful appearance
Jinglin', jinglin' from both the collar in the front and your manhood in the back

You were an aggressive teen, one who loved the ladies and disliked the men
The day came when you bit your owner in the face and so that became your demise

A few days latter you encountered your new self

A jinglin', jinglin' was now merely from the front, your manhood became a memory, a story of disgrace

You have departed from our presence, hopefully to soon be seen again
Your death was not natural, we submitted your forcefully into the bitter end

We dug a hole in that back yard deep enough to keep you from becoming food
we stood around your grave thinking of you

We search for a box but none could be found
we settle for a plastic bin which keeps you in the ground

We said a prayer of thankfulness and hope
that one day soon we should soon hear you again

But until that day, we will for now just think of you, our dear ol' sweet, crotchety friend